Why narcissists leave relationships

The whole reason for entering a relationship is to reap the benefits of an adoring partner. So to those who have endured a relationship with a narcissist, know that they get their comeuppance in the form of loneliness — an emotion they do not tolerate well. Being left by a narcissist is never a pleasant experience.

Either way, the non-narcissist always walks away feeling worse. Then calmly extricate yourself from the relationship as quickly as possible. Alexander Burgemeester. I dated a man who seemed to adore me and put me on a pedestal. He told me he was so lucky to meet a girl like me and he said the moment he met me he knew I was the one he was going to marry. We dated for three years and he gave me a pre-engagement ring. He talked about marrying me all the time.

He introduced me as his fiance to all his friends and family. When I landed my first job I moved to a town closer to him at his request.

One night we went out to the movies. He was holding hands with me like he always did. He seemed happy and normal. His behavior was so opposite what I experienced with him that I called him weekly for many months to ask what happened, what went wrong — but he never once picked up the phone or returned my phone call. Looking back, it takes a huge narcissistic jerk to do something like that. I lived with a narcissist for over 19 years.

I laughed in his face and told him. Within 3 months after receiving her Social Security, he just suddenly packed his belonging and moved out. That was on April 27, On July 20, , he was diagnosed with a rare form of Leukemia AND pancreatic cancer…both fairly advanced.

Now, I feel guilty because he Texted me asking me to come to the hospital to sign papers Making me his Medical power of attorney, as he had lost his previous copy and I had thrown away my copy when he moved out.

I feel torn between guilt because of anger over all the years of his narcissistic abuse, but pity for his fairly close to death state of being. Tears and prayers aplenty going on during the last few days. Do not get involved. Watch free samples before you buy. Gift Now. Please login to view member comments and participate in the discussion. Remember me Lost password? The desire to be respected is a giant hurdle on the spiritual path. One tiny episode of disrespect What is the purpose of human life?

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Here are my observations and some internet research on what happens when a narcissist breaks up with you: 1. A narcissist is a pro at gaslighting When the relationship is coming undone, a narcissist emotionally and mentally exploits their partners into believing that they were the mean people in the relationship.

This is a good place to ask this question — can a narcissist change? But it is not your responsibility to fix them. Let me give you an example. A narcissist kills you with guilt Suppose you have managed to stay afloat in this abusive relationship and you had the good sense to break up with a narcissist. But do narcissists themselves feel guilt over their actions? She looked happier, more confident and self-assured. The scars will heal, too. I promise. You are precious. How do I overcome the mental abuse of a narcissistic stalker?

The house was in a mess… In that state, seeing his reaction, I felt sad for him. Was he so helpless? I did believe him and gave in. And was it really brighter out there? Support This Author. Change the amount to whatever you like.

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Become a member Join me on the journey of life and gain access to exclusive content right here. I asked why he offered me the job and he said that it was better to have me here than back where I lived in my country. He was with me last time on the 11th of March — sex included. He was talking to me in such an angry state to the point he told me to get off the car and that he was leaving with me or without me in it.

I was shaking, in shock not knowing what I had done wrong. The times he would visit me he would spend 1 hour at the most, had sex and soon later out of the door. I felt bad, really bad but kept going. He mentioned something about drugs with his son but my intuition told me there was something else.

He told me it was better to distance the situation between us and to be friends. Then he goes home at 11 PM on a weekday and tells his wife about this and the next day he travels to meet the new woman. He told me the wife was very shocked. He moved out now for someone he met days ago when he had always told me he was staying at home and this was not changing. He refused talking to me, walked out on me every time I wanted to talk, shouted and even at the beginning when he was very nice to me one day, he told me he would like to have me in the basement and he would give me food and drink.

Now I wonder, he always told me he would stay where he is with his family, now he meets someone a few days ago and he leaves when on top of that there are family problems with one of the sons. The other woman married with children too. He told me he would hate not to have me in this office because he likes to work with me and have me around.

I gave this person the resignation letter at the end of March that I was leaving at the end of April. He confirmed it in writing, that I would leave end of April. My soul and intuition told me to leave.

I could not continue working there. His presence was intoxicating. I did tell him I dont want to see him ever again either as a partner, friend as he proposed only when it suited him as he already had someone new or as a colleague. I told him all I think of him and how he played with me and used me.

At the beginning of April I go to work and I receive an email from him copying HR and my colleague saying I had to hand in the key today and that my services are no longer needed there although I would get paid for the month of April.

I responded by email asking the reason why copying HR and stating that he had confirm my departure as of the end of April. He came to my desk angry and shouted in front of everyone to give the key and leave. I said I wanted a reason. This with the whole office listening. He switched off my computer and I said I had to close my email. I told him whatever he had to tell me to do it in private. He continued talking to me like this in front of everyone. By the way, I continued to do my job as usual even if I informed I was leaving at the end of the month.

I asked for a reason to ask me to leave like this. He told me at the very start that he would keep me in a basement and give me food and drink. Yet, he met me maybe a total of 5 times in the 3 months I was there.

Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally. Why are you always pushing the way you do? Him: just stop pushing me. Him: that is bad, and I feel sorry for you. He said I was vulnerable in 2 occasions. When we started talking he told me he wanted to know me as completely as possible and that he wanted to know my fears, dreams, fantasies and delights.

He said he wanted the complete package, be a couple, live together, serious. He asked me what was important for me in life and I said I would write an answer. We only talked for 2 weeks and then we met in person on a Tuesday. After a few months when things clearly started to change I asked him what he likes about me. Yet he never told me what he likes, just avoiding the answer. The very last time I was with him in March I asked him what he likes about me and he said that he would tell me one day.

The next day he told me I had attacked him, that he felt attacked. I love each and every one of your articles. Thank you so much for the encouragement and for helping people overcome such an obstacle in life. You are truly amazing! Why you say is true. I would go as far to say, at least in my case, that my ex is a psychopath accessed my home when I was at work at beat my dog with a hammer. My ex has a very well crafted and cultivated facade. Especially our kids. They really cannot believe [it].

I am very thankful for your NARP program. You faked a whole marriage. Not at all! Realizing this means that life is granting you the opportunity to heal and seal your gaps and eventually have a genuine, fulfilling life, whatever that constitutes for you moving forward. But you need to go inside and do the work. NARP is the key to your healing. Or I have x kids. But we know the truth.

However, my neighbor told me he took them out back and shot them. Be very prepared for your divorce. He worked at the sheriffs office as corrections officer, new everyone in the county and city-every attorney, every judge, every court clerk and secretary. He worked in prisons for almost 40 years and bragged about how he could get away with any crime, learned every criminal trick, knew exactly what to do and say to whoever would listen to his story, especially in the court system.

I lost it all. The house, any support except for our daughter, no spousal support, no retirement. None of my court documents were processed, however all of his were immediately processed and judged on.

So I wish you the best, do not let anyone know your plans I made that mistake , and be prepared for a smear campaign that will blind side you for years before, during and after your divorce.

Good Luck! Hi, Mel, Just want to thank you so much for the time you devote to helping all those who have struggled in relationships with narcissists. You truly have the expertise to assist others, and it is obvious that you specialize in this area. Like many others, I had studied psychology and learned the clinical definition of a narcissist. However, psychology classes do not specifically identify the most common behaviors associated with the disorder and I was married to one for twenty years before I understood fully who he was.

I happened upon one of your blogs and was astonished that it described my marriage perfectly. The only info missing was his photo and his name! Fortunately for me, I had a few successes behind me before I ever met him. I met him at a low point in my life, and he saw the opportunity. However, because I already had some knowledge of who I was and what I could accomplish, nothing he could say or do could convince me that I was unworthy of happiness and success.

It has now been over four years since I left the relationship and determined for myself that No Contact was the only way to go. I have since remarried, and I never thought I would. I, like many others, had no desire to embark on another relationship after the trauma. But strangely, just when I least desired or expected it, I met the person most suited to me. I published my first novel last year and am happily married. Although I have a son from my previous marriage, the toxic relationship rarely enters my mind.

It certainly does not haunt me anymore. I just want to say that you truly CAN heal and thrive. Thank you for giving the keys to a new life to so many. Your work is priceless, and so needed. Thank you for this. You win by going no contact and living through that day by day.

Lydia, That is the main reason I posted. I want others to have hope. I know how very long I endured a toxic relationship, mainly because I have a son. Who we love and who we continue to love is always a choice. Just as with any other important decision we make, we always have the right to revisit our decision and make a change if there was a mistake.

We must recognize that we played the role of accepting unacceptable behavior because we were at a low point in our own lives. The best news of all is that we can change it, fully recover, and go on to lead very productive and very happy lives.

Truly a much-needed service. What a rewarding life mission! I lost my husband 4 yrs ago. Two yrs ago I ran into an old class mate. He instantly lured me into his life. He was going to save me. I had nothing when my husband of 28 yrs died. Within 6 months I was living with him and almost immediately things were going the wrong way. I was at such a vulnerable broken state when I started the relationship and needed a sense of security and stability it was very hard to have to admit I made a big mistake seeking it with this monster.

I am just blown away that 1, he turned out to be this way and 2 that I fell for this person. Your story resonates with me. I think my experiences of genuine love and care from previous relationships with non -narcs helped me shake off a lot of the emotional abuse. At first, I was confused bc no one ever spoke to me or treated me so disrespectfully but I fell for the empty promises and false apologies during the hovering phase.

I am open to it and hope one day I can be happy in love again. You give me hope. Another great article. I ended communication with a suspected narc who was on the receiving end of his previous narc girlfriends behaviour. I was lead to believe they were over, but her behaviour ticks all of the above boxes. Tried to sabotage our relationship, refused to move belongings out of his home, ignored him, then reeled him back in, accused him of abuse online, then continued to text him and keep any communication going she could.

Was incredible to watch from a distance, mainly as I could see how her innocent angel behaviour online was the opposite behind closed doors. However, what happened was I got sucked into this drama, probably used a empathic supply by him, only for me to start being treated cruelly, and at that point I bolted. I even ended up in her slanderous rages, but to watch him switch sides made me wonder if they were both narcs just playing each other. Either way, I am now recovering physically and mentally from this abuse from both of them and currently questioning how I ended up hoovered into it.

The toll these situations take on you is flabbergasting. The biggest thing I had to do was just accept all of the above was about to happen and hope for the best, and take each day as I could.

Forewarned is forearms and that is why you are such a brilliant and generous person for sharing all of your knowledge and saving peoples lives and sanity. Thank You for this! It just affirms that my Ex Husband was indeed a Narcissist.. I wish I could have seen this before he abandoned me and our special needs dog.. Took almost everything in the house.. Because I was taking care of him and the house and dogs.. He said he would take care of me Forever..

Married me… and obviously lied to me for 23 years.. He lied to his family and I never heard a word from any of them after 23 years! These people are evil and inflict the most amazing amount of pain.. I went no contact very early at my Attorneys Suggestion.. Glad I listened.. We are good now! Healing and glad to be away from the Narcissist Games etc. I so appreciate everything you say to help us heal! I was sitting at a bus stop this afternoon and my narcissist blew right by me on a bike! He knew it was me sitting there on the bench.

I had to leave the state for a while 9 months ago because I lost everything because of him. The trauma and the devastation was so deep I needed miles between us! To this day I am still untangling some left over legal issues fom this relationship among other things. On a brighter note I believe that I have been moving forward towards thriving! This was the worst thing I have ever been through in my life! God bless everyone on the road to thriving! XO Michelle. I am a young mom 27years old with two little kids under 3 starting my journey to heal from my relationship with a narcisisst.

My break up is fresh, about 2 weeks ago and we will be going to court on Monday for the restraining order I had to file. While there is no contact thank God for this I am trying to get myself back, meditate and learn as much as I can about the narcissist. I know it will be a battle and I know he will be cruel but I am preparing.. I still have hunted dreams sometimes and restless days. I wonder why this happened to me. What is scary in all this, is the love for my children.

If I was by myself I think I could handle it much better, but with kids involved, it is a whole other thing. Any words of encouragement, suggestions, prayers would be much appreciated. Thank you for your blog. Sara I cannot recommend the inner work enough for people recovering from narcissistic abuse period, and especially when in battle and tumultuous times like you are experiencing now.

Please connect to my free inner transformational resources where you will understand how to truly harness your power in this situation, for you and your children. Thank you so much for this article and the others mentioned in it! The generous amount of resources offered is truly incredible!

I have only been able to read a portion of it yet, but there have been already so many things I needed to hear, in your articles as well as in the comments below them, and I am grateful to you and to all the persons who have shared them! Putting words on situations and feeling is truly empowering, making it easier to let go of thoughts about the narcissists and theirs actions, to target traumas and to focus on my healing. One of my next targets for shifting is about the panic of not being healed enough and early enough when one of them tries to break into my boundaries.

This is where I am longing to be! This is so great that you are on the empowerment path. You are really on to it and doing a fantastic job. I am currently trying to institute no contact with my wife who I separated from. We have two daughters 9 and 11 which she is starting to leverage against me. I think the peptide addiction to negative emotional states definitely has taken hold of me.

I realized my wife was narcissistic several years ago but because of our two daughters and my own mental health difficulties I could not muster the confidence to break away.

She also switches from grandiose to vulnerable narcissistic behaviors which has made it difficult for me to be certain she was narcissistic. Finally I came to realize in the last two years when I made a tremendous effort to help my wife launch her career that it only resulted in her devaluing, humiliating and demeaning me even further.

As she has had some initial success in her career, the grandiose aspects of her personality have also become much more pronounced. Your emphasis on seeing the narcissist as a trigger for as well as an opportunity to heal unhealed emotional wounds and grow into the best possible version of my self really resonates with me.

I have struggled my entire life to form meaningful relationships and friendships with people. I can see now that I have clung onto my wife and my marriage for the past 12 years as a way to validate myself and to avoid dealing with my past shame, loneliness and humiliation. Thank you very much for your tireless efforts in creating great content about how to identify and recover from narcissistic abuse. It engenders hope in me that I can survive the upcoming difficulties and challenges that are sure to come.

And also helped me to realize that my relationship with a narcissist is an opportunity for me to transform my, as yet unidentified, childhood traumas that I believe have hindered my realizing my full potential as a person before and during my marriage to a narcissist. Your self awareness and honesty is exceptional. Truly all you need now is the process and you are on your way. Have you checked out NARP? He was a serial cheater — but it was all in my head… the night we split he beat up my 15 yr old son for being late with the chores.

That was the final straw. I was devasted. I loved him so much. My confidence and self worth were shattered. I feel sorry for her she seems like a nice lady and probably completely taken in by his charm…. I was trained to disregard my own boundaries as a young person — I did not know when they were being crossed because it felt normal.

Training myself to feel it in my body when my boundaries are being crossed has been a real improvement on my life in so many ways. Having an ex ask me to be his mistress — now that he is someone else — was a felt experience, a kick in my chest; he was asking me if I still dislike myself. The easy answer was no to that offer. And yes to me. There is no other path to acceptance and love than starting with ourselves first.

I recently joined NARP and have dipped my toe in the self recovery journey however it is so painful to dredge it all up and experience all the grief and pain associated with recognizing my lack of self worth.

I also cant seem to compartmentalize the grief of losing my son and this abusive husband. The loss of my child is beyond words and this callous person in my life is making me seem crazy.

Just know what little hope I have left has been reading your articles. Anyone who has lost a child understands…. Of which I have yet to begin the first module.

But thanks…. She has a better supply now so has no regard for my feelings, nor my boundaries. I pay the price though, she smeared me completely and told allot of lies that are being believed by the people she is surrounded with now. It hurts allot but I truly know it is just a matter of time before that all unravels for her there. Its hard when the Narc is one of your children and grandchildren are involved. I truly have not been able to work that one out. I have however been able to resolve allot around the NARC ex husband.

We still share financial ties and he keeps me on a string for now. I have grieved for years now but yesterday, after speaking with him, even though it was for a change a civil conversation, I skipped away from it happy, knowing I dont have to deal with that anymore. He did engage me, defending his cheating with 14 others and partially laying the blame at my feet for why he did it.

I got sucked in a little but not totally. I know, I absolutely know, there will never be full accountability, empathy or remorse toward me. He only feels for himself. I am slowly dismantling the estate and have my own best interests first in my mind in an ethical way and gee that feels good.

I still need to work to look after myself and I still struggle in some areas but Melanie, knowing the modules are there to use, reading and listening to the blogs help so, so much. I cant thank you enough.. Anyone on the outside would never believe let alone understand how nasty the narc is and what the victim undergoes at the end. I think THAT is one of the reasons thrivers do so well. We spent so much of our life functioning with this weight on our shoulders — once that weight is lifted — everything becomes so much easier!!

This article also reaffirms the fact that I will forever have no contact with that man. I feel like it is the only option for me to stay safe. You are an angel.